me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
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santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.