Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”