Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

Couple goals

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood