Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
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My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“