Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
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My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge