ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
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Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
need him
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers