ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
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Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I don’t think my car can fly
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.