@Chumpstring

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

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@hammbone84

If you guys don’t start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don’t make me ruin this for everyone.

@vexroid

Me: Did you play video games all day?

9: No

Me: What else did you do?

9: I ate lunch

@swiftenhaal

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

@timdonakowski

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

@MarkAgee

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

@weedswildflowrs

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

@AlexIsCool69

*Nurses dump cooler full of blood on surgeon after successful surgery*

@TheAlexNevil

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact