ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

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If you guys don’t start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don’t make me ruin this for everyone.


Me: Did you play video games all day?

9: No

Me: What else did you do?

9: I ate lunch


Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish



I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.


I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.


So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley


Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?


*Nurses dump cooler full of blood on surgeon after successful surgery*


Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact