Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
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What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.