Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
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Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo