Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!