Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

Voting for coroner

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Lmao the reply

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

Mad Max: Furry Road

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae