*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
You Might Also Like
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
& sadly trots away
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]