Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

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*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit


Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first


A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
& sadly trots away


Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.


wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids


Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.


Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]


“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats


*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.


The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.


[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here