Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
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My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.