@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

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@Browtweaten

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

@Where__wolf

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

@JermHimselfish

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

@GrantTanaka

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

@slimmy_shady

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

@djdarrellripley

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

@timdonakowski

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

@FrogAvalanche

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

@TheMichaelRock

The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.

@Steven37366100

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here