Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
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My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Netflix and awkward silence?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that