Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
When you can’t find your friend Neil
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper