Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

They’re stuck in your pants?

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!