Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
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You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
i prefer mine room temperature.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.