Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
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this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid