Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.