Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

Free him

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.