Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”