ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
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My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
💀😭
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
😭😭
