Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*