Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view