Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

Artwork by Herta Burbe

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

So that’s what we looked like?