Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
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No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
