Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning: