Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

Writing, She Murdered.

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

This could be us but you eatin’

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them