Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

I’m calling the cops.

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address