Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

I beg your pardon?

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™