Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much