me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym
cashier: you’re at a bakery miss
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I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.