me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym
cashier: you’re at a bakery miss
You Might Also Like
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?