Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
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[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
he chose this