Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
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Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
My brain is a bad influence on me
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
My dryer is celebrating lint.