Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
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Godspeed, John Glenn
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
rebranding
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.