Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
