Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
sleeping beauty
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
