Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
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“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Banana is the quietest snack