Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no