Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

Mhm.

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.