Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
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A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-