Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
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Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag