Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

A Monday every week is excessive

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.