Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
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Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
The government even made aliens boring
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
