Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
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I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
🤣😈🤣
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.