Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
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behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?