Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
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What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
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I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.