Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

Somedays I just love AI so much

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one