Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

peak technology

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

THE DOG😭😭💀

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.