me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
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1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.