Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
You Might Also Like
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
This could’ve been an email.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan