Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”