Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
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How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe