Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?