Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
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Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others