@daddydoubts

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

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@sdhintz

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

@jdforshort

6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house

@bobby

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

@Malocallidus

What if Daft Punk is just a couple of rad old ladies who met in knitting club and shared a love of sick beats?

@bobvulfov

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

@rocketreturn

genie: i shall grant you three wishes

me: i wish for a world without lawyers

genie: done, you have no more wishes

me: but you said three

genie: sue me

@DanMentos

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

@SatansTongue

*wife opens present*
“You got me the action figure you wanted?”
Ugh if you don’t appreciate it then give me it
*takes gift and runs to room*

@SteevUmc

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?