2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
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*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
chipotle guy: for the guac.
What if Daft Punk is just a couple of rad old ladies who met in knitting club and shared a love of sick beats?
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
genie: i shall grant you three wishes
me: i wish for a world without lawyers
genie: done, you have no more wishes
me: but you said three
genie: sue me
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
*wife opens present*
“You got me the action figure you wanted?”
Ugh if you don’t appreciate it then give me it
*takes gift and runs to room*
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?