Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
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accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
i wonder why they stopped looking
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I hope they boil the right one.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”