Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
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Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Every. Damn. Time.
