Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.