Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.