Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
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i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.