Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

🙄😏😂🤣

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.