Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
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[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle