Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

Beards are a privilege, not a right

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.