Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
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me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please