Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

That took me a moment.

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

2022: I can fix it

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe