me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
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Thanks to a fan for this one!
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Windows
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me: