me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
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had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.