me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
You Might Also Like
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
🤯🤯🤯
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
My boss called in sick of me
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.