Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

I had to Stop for this

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

How does one answer this?

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t