Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here