Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.