“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
me: I lost the boy
me: at the burrito stand
me: I turned around for a second
me: and then for a third
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I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don’t die alone.
GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.
I thought you were going to take my taco.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby