me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

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“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP


Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don’t die alone.


GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds


Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.


CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]


Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.


[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby