@MarfSalvador

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

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@justsomegirl81

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…and the dentist. You should definitely fear the dentist.

@CakeLikeBeth

Don’t ask me how I managed to take this because I’m not entirely sure

@SteveKoehler22

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

@Chumpstring

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

@AnniemuMary

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

@RobElliottComic

Friend: Did Eric survive the bear attack?
Me: ‘BEAR’-ly!
F: HA! Any injuries?
Me: {nervously} Ooooohhhhh BAD JOKE… He’s definitely dead…

@jimmytorosian

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

@BeeeejEsq

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.